Heart on My Sleeve

She will never be invincible
She will never be some Florence Nightingale
Her thresholds invisible but she'll hang on like hell

Yeah, she may be transparent
She's got no defenses to speak of
But she'll stand here before you with no pride or prejudice
Just steadfast and certain she'll land on her own two feet
You'll think you can break her
'Cause you think that she's crazy and weak
But her power will defy you when she wears her heart on her sleeve
Heart on her sleeve

She will never learn your tranquility
She will never learn how to let things slide off her
Yeah her joy overwhelms her and her sorrow won't subside

Yeah, she still may be transparent
Shes got no, shes got no defenses to speak of
But she will stand here before you with no pride or prejudice
Just steadfast and certain that she'll land on her own two feet
You think you can break her
'Cause you think that she's crazy and weak
But her power will defy you when she wears her heart on her sleeve

Oh, you may condemn me
With your bitter words and untouchable rage
Yeah, you may torment me

'Cause I don't lead my life in your way
But I will stand here before you with no pride or prejudice
Just steadfast and certain that I will land on my own two feet
You think you can break me
Bring my head down to my knees
But my power will defy you when my heart's on my sleeve

Sooo....

Owen and Bella are talking more. They are now able to have a fairly good conversation. Some words are hard to understand, but I am pretty good at figuring them out. Owen has been doing really well with his appointments. I am noticing some changes in him. He does still get frustrated with learning new words. Since I have to focus a lot on Owen, I have been trying to make sure Bella has plenty of Mommy and Me time. So far she doesn't seem to be having any aggression or hostility towards Owen.

I got a new car :) She is sooooo pretty!!! I got a 2011 Nissan Sentra. I love all the different things she does. Like there is a button on the radio and when you push it, it tells you the song, artist and all that fun stuff. There is a built in iPod jack, which is amazing! No more having to plug an adapter into the radio then another cord into the iPod.. ONLY ONE CORD..wooooo

This week I got some fun news! My sister and her hubby are going to try for baby number 2 next summer!!! I can't wait!

hmmmm.....I have also decided to go Vegan! Okay well at least somewhat Vegan. Hopefully, in the next few months I can go 100% Vegan. I never really thought of becoming Vegan, a lot of people (myself included) don't really understand the reason for going Vegan, however, I am starting to understand it and embrace it. So we will see how that all goes.

Along with being Vegan, I am also 'going green'. The kids are eating Vegan and organic foods. This weekend I am going shopping for Organic and/or 100% Vegan shampoos, soaps, cleaners, and other things like that. I bought a few things the other day, but would like to get more to see what I like. Heather has talked me into (not that it took much) becoming her Belly Buddy next year :)..So I plan to semi cloth diaper. I will use cloth diapers when we are at home and at night (ON THE BABY smartasses). Then when we go out and are away from home for long periods of time I will use disposable diapers. Organic disposable diapers or Pampers Sensitive.

One last thing

HAPPY 15 MONTHS MADELYN!!!!!!

Reflection on my screen

So the last few days, I have found myself struggling. First it was just over losing Jason. Then it turned into what my father did to me. I was watching my new favorite show Criminal Minds, and the one blonde girl looked soooo familiar to me. So I googled her. I remembered her from a movie, which I learned was Final Destination 2. So as I flipped through reading, I came across a show she had done in 2000, called Higher Ground.

Higher Ground, is a show about a High school for troubled teens. They basically live at this ranch. They do school work, chores and many many outdoor activities to help them deal with whatever happened to them. That is just the basics, there is more to it, but don't feel like typing it out.

Anyway, AJ Cook (the blonde from Criminal Minds) played a girl named Shelby. Shelby had been sexually abused by her Step-father for years. At age 13 she started running away. Finally the last time she ran away, she stayed gone for 6 months. She lived on the streets and started prostituting. Her mom finally tracked her down and she was sent to Mt. Horizon ( The alternative school).

I have watched a couple of the episodes, I am not going to watch anymore because this week I am going to order the DVDs. In the few episodes I have watched, I noticed soooo many things Shelby and I had in common. She was so broken that she built a tough as nails shell around her. She pretended like she didn't care.

In one episode a little 6 year old went missing. Guess who found her hanging on to some rocks for dear life? Shelby. She climbed up the rock wall that the girl had fallen down and rescued her. One of her classmates watched her. When she reached the bottom, the little girl hugged her. Shelby told her to not over do it. Then she pushed the little girl in her classmate's arms and said. "Tell them you found her."

I have a hard time feeling love or sadness for someone. Most of the time I have to fake it. It sucks, but it is what I have to do. Watching Shelby's personality made me see that maybe it is easier to just have a hard shell around me. You know, a I dont care attitude. I have it and it comes out, but I don't have it 24/7 or as bad as Shelby. But it is there.


I saw this part of another episode the other day(video at bottom) and it has been on my mind literally every minute since then. She let out all the anger and emotions that she had been keeping in for years. She trashed the camp out they were having. I get that way. I just boil over with soo much emotion, that I just want to go on a rampage. I haven't yet, but I know I will. I just don't know when



I am just so angry at him. At what he has turned me into and what he took from me. I am the real life version of Shelby. You don't understand and I am not even going to try. You don't know how I feel every second of everyday. You don't know, who I was before. Hell I don't remember who I was before. I am so selfish. I have a shitty sense of feeling. I just "feel" what I think you want me to.

There is more I want to say, but nothing that would make a difference and change anything

So I had jury duty this week. we had some long days. luckily we had a nice judge who let us move around and have sevearl breaks.

Heather has blocked me from facebook, because I have been a pain in teh ass. This really isnt anything new though.

I have missed being with my kids during the day. It was so hard the last two days when I could call the sitter to talk to them. or to be able to talk to Sara and Heather. It was like tourture. the room had no windows or anything. the water from the fountin in the room had a metal taste and they didnt have bottled water.

but they did have a mini fridge with soda. they had coffee too but that was made with the nasty water. Monday me and a woman named kimm went to a gyro place. Tuesday we went to an irish pub. Luckily one of the 3 others who joined us that day owned part of it or else I wouldnt have been able to get in. yesterday they bought us lunch at a nice resturant. today we would ahve gotten fed, but we got done shortly after noon. so no reason to buy us lunch.

hmmm

So I am like 87% sure that I am pregnant. I am having a bunch of symptoms. Now I just need a positive result! I have picked out the bedding I want for both a boy and a girl. I know what crib I wanna get, but I am not going to set it up right away. At least not until the baby is about 2 months, or closer to three. I really can't wait. Today I have been trying to think of how I can rearrange my room to fit a crib and the rest of the baby's things. I am totally not getting a changing table, I didn't use mine often with Owen and Bella. They just take up too much room. I plan on half formula feeding and half breastfeeding.

anyway, there hasn't been much going on lately.

Happy birthday Laurie (today) and happy early birthday to mudder!!!

Sooooo..Hmmm..First of all I want to say that, in reply to your comment, Heather, about being mom's favorite....SHE DOESN'T PLAY FAVORITES..So HA HA HA. Nice try!

I took Shelby to the zoo today and they had a bunch of different plastic animals, that were painted by local painters. There was a giraffe with a puzzle design. My fave was the pig painted like a Ham radio. It made me think of Mudder! She wanted a picture of it so I took one, then decided it was missing something.. MEEEEEEEEEEE.. She seemed to like it very much ;o) & of course Heather, Dad and Laurie got to see it.

I went to the Dr. last week and my numbers were really high, so my meds were doubled. Sara and I have decided to lower our numbers together. So far we actually aren't doing too bad.

I DOn't know what to say...but I did come across this as I was digging through some emails.

To me from "Heidi"

Once a pone a time there was a girl named Minnie Wilkastank. She was a very funny girl. She had a really rough childhood, but tried to make the best out of it as she should. When she was a young teen she meet this guy at the mall. His name was Jay. Jay was much, much older then Minnie .. but she fell for him anyway's. Once they were dating for a while Minnie started to see a side of Jay that she didn't care for to much. Jay had a really short temper and sometimes took it out of Minnie. She loved him so she put up with it. Several years later Minnie found out she was pregnant.. and to her surprise.. It was TWINS!!! She was very excited and scared! They babies were born just before Thanksgiving. She had a boy and a girl! Shortly after the babies were born Minnie made a new friend Sally. Several days later Jay died. Minnie took this extremely hard. She blamed herself, but everyone knew it wasn't her fault! It was a good thing for Sally... She really helped Minnie through her hard time. Then soon she was introduced to a girl named Heidi. Minnie wasn't sure what she thought of Heidi, but after a short time she really started to like her. Minnie sure knew how to make Sally and Heidi laugh! It was a good thing that Minnie had these two in her life... they really tired to keep Minnie out of trouble. Although sometimes Minnie did things anway's.. even though she knew she shouldn't. But she would get into trouble with Sally and Heidi once they found out.

Heidi would always ask to see pictures of the twins. They were just so darn cute! Minnie was good at telling stories.. sometimes though Sally and Heidi just wasn't so sure about them. Minnie liked to keep things from the two girls.. or would only tell half of what was going on. They wished that Minnie knew that she could tell them anything! They also really wished that Minnie and the twins would make a trip to IL to see them. The would just love to spend time together.. go shopping.. and do fun things with the kids! But Minnie just wouldn't do it :( Maybe some day they can talk Minnie into coming. The End!


SO my sperm donor backed out on me because he forgot about his step nephew's graduation party. I was really unhappy and bummed out. I don't think we will be trying this cycle because it falls a day or two before July 4th :(. My guessing is I won't get pregnant til August.