Heart on My Sleeve

She will never be invincible
She will never be some Florence Nightingale
Her thresholds invisible but she'll hang on like hell

Yeah, she may be transparent
She's got no defenses to speak of
But she'll stand here before you with no pride or prejudice
Just steadfast and certain she'll land on her own two feet
You'll think you can break her
'Cause you think that she's crazy and weak
But her power will defy you when she wears her heart on her sleeve
Heart on her sleeve

She will never learn your tranquility
She will never learn how to let things slide off her
Yeah her joy overwhelms her and her sorrow won't subside

Yeah, she still may be transparent
Shes got no, shes got no defenses to speak of
But she will stand here before you with no pride or prejudice
Just steadfast and certain that she'll land on her own two feet
You think you can break her
'Cause you think that she's crazy and weak
But her power will defy you when she wears her heart on her sleeve

Oh, you may condemn me
With your bitter words and untouchable rage
Yeah, you may torment me

'Cause I don't lead my life in your way
But I will stand here before you with no pride or prejudice
Just steadfast and certain that I will land on my own two feet
You think you can break me
Bring my head down to my knees
But my power will defy you when my heart's on my sleeve

Sooo....

Owen and Bella are talking more. They are now able to have a fairly good conversation. Some words are hard to understand, but I am pretty good at figuring them out. Owen has been doing really well with his appointments. I am noticing some changes in him. He does still get frustrated with learning new words. Since I have to focus a lot on Owen, I have been trying to make sure Bella has plenty of Mommy and Me time. So far she doesn't seem to be having any aggression or hostility towards Owen.

I got a new car :) She is sooooo pretty!!! I got a 2011 Nissan Sentra. I love all the different things she does. Like there is a button on the radio and when you push it, it tells you the song, artist and all that fun stuff. There is a built in iPod jack, which is amazing! No more having to plug an adapter into the radio then another cord into the iPod.. ONLY ONE CORD..wooooo

This week I got some fun news! My sister and her hubby are going to try for baby number 2 next summer!!! I can't wait!

hmmmm.....I have also decided to go Vegan! Okay well at least somewhat Vegan. Hopefully, in the next few months I can go 100% Vegan. I never really thought of becoming Vegan, a lot of people (myself included) don't really understand the reason for going Vegan, however, I am starting to understand it and embrace it. So we will see how that all goes.

Along with being Vegan, I am also 'going green'. The kids are eating Vegan and organic foods. This weekend I am going shopping for Organic and/or 100% Vegan shampoos, soaps, cleaners, and other things like that. I bought a few things the other day, but would like to get more to see what I like. Heather has talked me into (not that it took much) becoming her Belly Buddy next year :)..So I plan to semi cloth diaper. I will use cloth diapers when we are at home and at night (ON THE BABY smartasses). Then when we go out and are away from home for long periods of time I will use disposable diapers. Organic disposable diapers or Pampers Sensitive.

One last thing

HAPPY 15 MONTHS MADELYN!!!!!!

Reflection on my screen

So the last few days, I have found myself struggling. First it was just over losing Jason. Then it turned into what my father did to me. I was watching my new favorite show Criminal Minds, and the one blonde girl looked soooo familiar to me. So I googled her. I remembered her from a movie, which I learned was Final Destination 2. So as I flipped through reading, I came across a show she had done in 2000, called Higher Ground.

Higher Ground, is a show about a High school for troubled teens. They basically live at this ranch. They do school work, chores and many many outdoor activities to help them deal with whatever happened to them. That is just the basics, there is more to it, but don't feel like typing it out.

Anyway, AJ Cook (the blonde from Criminal Minds) played a girl named Shelby. Shelby had been sexually abused by her Step-father for years. At age 13 she started running away. Finally the last time she ran away, she stayed gone for 6 months. She lived on the streets and started prostituting. Her mom finally tracked her down and she was sent to Mt. Horizon ( The alternative school).

I have watched a couple of the episodes, I am not going to watch anymore because this week I am going to order the DVDs. In the few episodes I have watched, I noticed soooo many things Shelby and I had in common. She was so broken that she built a tough as nails shell around her. She pretended like she didn't care.

In one episode a little 6 year old went missing. Guess who found her hanging on to some rocks for dear life? Shelby. She climbed up the rock wall that the girl had fallen down and rescued her. One of her classmates watched her. When she reached the bottom, the little girl hugged her. Shelby told her to not over do it. Then she pushed the little girl in her classmate's arms and said. "Tell them you found her."

I have a hard time feeling love or sadness for someone. Most of the time I have to fake it. It sucks, but it is what I have to do. Watching Shelby's personality made me see that maybe it is easier to just have a hard shell around me. You know, a I dont care attitude. I have it and it comes out, but I don't have it 24/7 or as bad as Shelby. But it is there.


I saw this part of another episode the other day(video at bottom) and it has been on my mind literally every minute since then. She let out all the anger and emotions that she had been keeping in for years. She trashed the camp out they were having. I get that way. I just boil over with soo much emotion, that I just want to go on a rampage. I haven't yet, but I know I will. I just don't know when



I am just so angry at him. At what he has turned me into and what he took from me. I am the real life version of Shelby. You don't understand and I am not even going to try. You don't know how I feel every second of everyday. You don't know, who I was before. Hell I don't remember who I was before. I am so selfish. I have a shitty sense of feeling. I just "feel" what I think you want me to.

There is more I want to say, but nothing that would make a difference and change anything

So I had jury duty this week. we had some long days. luckily we had a nice judge who let us move around and have sevearl breaks.

Heather has blocked me from facebook, because I have been a pain in teh ass. This really isnt anything new though.

I have missed being with my kids during the day. It was so hard the last two days when I could call the sitter to talk to them. or to be able to talk to Sara and Heather. It was like tourture. the room had no windows or anything. the water from the fountin in the room had a metal taste and they didnt have bottled water.

but they did have a mini fridge with soda. they had coffee too but that was made with the nasty water. Monday me and a woman named kimm went to a gyro place. Tuesday we went to an irish pub. Luckily one of the 3 others who joined us that day owned part of it or else I wouldnt have been able to get in. yesterday they bought us lunch at a nice resturant. today we would ahve gotten fed, but we got done shortly after noon. so no reason to buy us lunch.

hmmm

So I am like 87% sure that I am pregnant. I am having a bunch of symptoms. Now I just need a positive result! I have picked out the bedding I want for both a boy and a girl. I know what crib I wanna get, but I am not going to set it up right away. At least not until the baby is about 2 months, or closer to three. I really can't wait. Today I have been trying to think of how I can rearrange my room to fit a crib and the rest of the baby's things. I am totally not getting a changing table, I didn't use mine often with Owen and Bella. They just take up too much room. I plan on half formula feeding and half breastfeeding.

anyway, there hasn't been much going on lately.

Happy birthday Laurie (today) and happy early birthday to mudder!!!

Sooooo..Hmmm..First of all I want to say that, in reply to your comment, Heather, about being mom's favorite....SHE DOESN'T PLAY FAVORITES..So HA HA HA. Nice try!

I took Shelby to the zoo today and they had a bunch of different plastic animals, that were painted by local painters. There was a giraffe with a puzzle design. My fave was the pig painted like a Ham radio. It made me think of Mudder! She wanted a picture of it so I took one, then decided it was missing something.. MEEEEEEEEEEE.. She seemed to like it very much ;o) & of course Heather, Dad and Laurie got to see it.

I went to the Dr. last week and my numbers were really high, so my meds were doubled. Sara and I have decided to lower our numbers together. So far we actually aren't doing too bad.

I DOn't know what to say...but I did come across this as I was digging through some emails.

To me from "Heidi"

Once a pone a time there was a girl named Minnie Wilkastank. She was a very funny girl. She had a really rough childhood, but tried to make the best out of it as she should. When she was a young teen she meet this guy at the mall. His name was Jay. Jay was much, much older then Minnie .. but she fell for him anyway's. Once they were dating for a while Minnie started to see a side of Jay that she didn't care for to much. Jay had a really short temper and sometimes took it out of Minnie. She loved him so she put up with it. Several years later Minnie found out she was pregnant.. and to her surprise.. It was TWINS!!! She was very excited and scared! They babies were born just before Thanksgiving. She had a boy and a girl! Shortly after the babies were born Minnie made a new friend Sally. Several days later Jay died. Minnie took this extremely hard. She blamed herself, but everyone knew it wasn't her fault! It was a good thing for Sally... She really helped Minnie through her hard time. Then soon she was introduced to a girl named Heidi. Minnie wasn't sure what she thought of Heidi, but after a short time she really started to like her. Minnie sure knew how to make Sally and Heidi laugh! It was a good thing that Minnie had these two in her life... they really tired to keep Minnie out of trouble. Although sometimes Minnie did things anway's.. even though she knew she shouldn't. But she would get into trouble with Sally and Heidi once they found out.

Heidi would always ask to see pictures of the twins. They were just so darn cute! Minnie was good at telling stories.. sometimes though Sally and Heidi just wasn't so sure about them. Minnie liked to keep things from the two girls.. or would only tell half of what was going on. They wished that Minnie knew that she could tell them anything! They also really wished that Minnie and the twins would make a trip to IL to see them. The would just love to spend time together.. go shopping.. and do fun things with the kids! But Minnie just wouldn't do it :( Maybe some day they can talk Minnie into coming. The End!


SO my sperm donor backed out on me because he forgot about his step nephew's graduation party. I was really unhappy and bummed out. I don't think we will be trying this cycle because it falls a day or two before July 4th :(. My guessing is I won't get pregnant til August.

Sooooooooooooooo today is friday... I am pretty excited for this next week. I am hoping to GOD that it all goes the right way. The weather is really nice today! only in the upper 60s so it is pretty warm out and with the breeze it is about 60..yay!

I am looking forward to all the sales that are going on this weekend. I am really trying to not buy anything. I have a few things to save up money for.

Today I am probably going to clean my room and organize it. I have been going at it at a slow pace and would really like to finish it..

Soooo thats about it.

The kids have taken to coloring :]!!!! Owen had a hard time getting the hang of holding the crayon like a pencil, and Bella would hold it for a minute then stop. Bella is talking quite a bit, she can sometimes make small sentences. Owen isn't talking as much, he says a few words (mainly headder (Heather). I don't expect the kids to be head to head in everything, they are their own person. I love them how ever they are.

Hmmmm....what else??? I spent a good part of yesterday cleaning..then I got into a funk..so that messed with my cleaning....grrrr...One day I will get it under control. I have been pretty good about it, with a few minor slip ups. I am just glad it isn't has bad as it use to be a little over a year ago.soooo guess I can't beat myself up over it. :]

I have no idea what to talk about. I am only doing this so you will tell me your story. You know it would be easier if you gave me a topic :)....just a suggestion.

I have been lucky enough to be on entertainment duty today :)..

I had a pretty good Mother's day. The twins and I mostly watched movies and just lounged around.

My family is about to have to military boys on our hands. My cousin Alex enlisted last week with the Army. My brother Nick, signed a contract stating he is planning on joining the Air Force after he graduates. He is entering through the "Soft Entry'.

I am planning on taking a trip down to O'Fallon. I am really excited about it. We'll be heading down sometime between late March to late June. We really haven't figured it out, but that's okay we have 7-8 months before we need to worry. I have already picked out the outfits the kids will wear :). I am a bit nervous, but I think it is more excitement.

it has been a long time. heather has been on me about doin a blog so here it is.

went to a baseball game sunday. it was alright. kinda cold standing the parkinglot but we where grilling out so there was some heat. i was getting annoyed by the drunk ppl sitting a few rows in front of us. in the row in front of us was two couples and their two sons who were about the same age and they each had a baby girl, both girls had to have been about a month a part. they were just so cute. smiling and giggling. my cousin tiffany tried to get me to do the chicken dance. eventually she did. we where the only ones in our area doing it..it was funn tho. her daughter brianna stayed with me the whole time, such a cute kid.

my wisdom tooth got taken out. now i am just drugged up. i am tired. i should sleep more. wish i was sleeping.

Some sad news is CHuck's mom died :( we all love and support him through this hard time. Sara's Nana also passed away :( she will be missed

happy birthday Heather!

happy easter

I dressed the kids up a few days late for easter. don't they look cute.

I got a new job at joann's it is pretty fun.

right now I am watching Bewitched. I like that show.

the twins are out with my brother.

I am browsing babies r us and target deciding on things for sam.

So far I have only bought a few things like a few blankets and socks I have only spent probably $20.

idk what to title this

Sooooo this AM I was browsing Facebook and I saw a post about Chelsea Handler (my all time favorite!) and of course I thought "What did she do now?" as I clicked the link I regretted NOT watching her show last night! This always happens any time someone snaps on TV..I MISS IT! I Laughed sooo hard watching this. IDK if it is the video acting up or my computer either way, I am DVRing this episode when I find it.



Today I went to Target and got a cute little onesie for $3.00...It is red with a little elephant on it..it is for a boy but if I am having a girl I sppose she could wear it..I went to JcPenney's and got a cute little Carter's dress. it is purple and white stripped with a Love Bug on it..it was $7.99 but I had a coupon that was going to expire soon and I had no other use for it so it came to $4.99.

IDK what else to say

The end

WOW

it has been quite awhile since I have posted on here! What's New? Hmm..Well we have a new member to the family!! A pretty little lady named Madelyn Elizabeth, just don't call her Maddie infront of her Mommy!

Here is my cute little niece in some of my fave pics! :

Hmmm..What else..OH the twins' vocabulary is like EXPLODING! Mama, Papa, Gramma, Grampa, Heaer(Heather), Book, ummm baby..and a few others...They are getting big! in a few months they will be TWO!!

I have been behaving very well..okay...mostly..I did get divorced once and um well acutally IDK if Mom called off the D-I-V-O-R-C-E....Did you mom?

I am totally going to start doing this again..Mondays..so check back each week!



P.S. I am trying to go to San Diego in July..but We will see :)

week number 22

Wooo hooo 22 weeks!!! measuring 26 but hey LOL!! I cant believe how much bigger these two have gotten since my last appointment!!!!!!! They are weighing 1 pound 5oz and 1 pound even...I cant wait til they are born.

The twins started day care yesterday..They go tuesdays from 8-2...so far they are loving it. I only have minor issues when I drop them off...but that should and will stop over time.

I got a turtle from Mudder Bear!!!! woooooo! thanks! and thanks Laurie for checking to see if it was a boy or girl lolololol........

TTFN Ta Ta For Now!!!!! :p

a fun little song

heres my blog



isnt it fun



now the blog is over

bored

So it has been a pretty busy few weeks as usual. I moved out of my house and in with Riley and his grandma. After many many long lectures and a lot of thinking I moved out and back to my house. I also got a card from Sara :] with a picture too! That is the first card I have gotten since I was like 16. I will post a picture of them later.

This morning has been pretty fun too. I heard the twins babbling to each other and giggling away (I wonder what was so funny), I opened the door to take a picture of them. Owen gave me a silly look and I turned to get a picture of Bella and she was giving me the SAME LOOK! I thought it was funny!!..

Bella has taken to "Reading" and looking at books, she points to objects in the books and babbles like she knows what she is talking about. my little smarty pants...I think she will be like me when it comes to school.

The inside Diva's are doing great. So far healthy and gaining weight! wooo hooo

I also got a new new phone!! I love it! It is sooo adorable!

random pics

new notebook for book

www.heart4home.net/downloads/decorated_spiral_notebook_pdf

Natalie's 21st Birthday

Yesterday, August 20th, was a pretty rough day for me. Gosh I havent even finished my first sentence and I am already tearing up. Natalie would have been 21 yesterday. I know suicide is never the answer. Natalie couldn't see how much she was loved. I am mad at myself that I obviously didn't do a good enough job telling her how much I loved her, how great of a friend she was and that I needed her. It really really hurts that she is not here. She was never afraid to speak her mind, or just say what ever she felt like saying and not give a shit. and she could smoke like no other LMAO!!!!!! neaverly every day we would get blazed before school. Every time we got blazed...when we got to school..we would run around and look for Carolyn...and she was always in the same spot!!...but each and every time..we would ask everyone "Where is Carolyn?". We were so funny too. When we saw her we would run up to Carolyn give her a big hug and then just stared at her. The looks we would give her always told her that we were up to no good. and I swear the conversation NEVER changed....

Carolyn: You two are baked arent you?

Natalie and I would nod with hug smiles

Carolyn would say to Natalie: Where is Melissa?

Natalie would get a puzzled look on her face: I dont know (even though I was RIGHT next to her)

Melissa: I am right here...dude you are sooo fucked up

Natalie laughed this deep belly laugh, then would look right and Natalie would say: CAROLYN, We have been looking everywhere for you!!!

Then Natalie would grab me by my hand and we would race to the cafeteria to get food before class...loser had to buy...it was hard becuase we both were in track and cross country

LOL.....I dont think that conversation ever changed...I miss that convo :[....I thought of the last time we did that a lot yesterday. She made me laugh SO hard that day

It was our morning routine. After she died and after I was out of the hospital.. I caught myself waiting for her by the front doors many times. Only to remember she wasnt going to show up. The first couple times Carolyn would come up to me and give me a hug. I laughed it off and said "duh" Then walk away without saying anything else. Carolyn and I had many indepth talks in the girls bathroom. She missed us looking for her, and having a billion people tell her that we were trying to find her. I miss her too.

I just dont understand. Friday she was happy, laughing, high and just having a great day. Why? Saturday, she...just...

Why didnt she call me sooner?

WHy didnt she call Carolyn?

Why didnt I call her that morning?

Why??????????

God, this is so hard. There is so much I want to say but don't know where to start. there is so much I want to tell her. She was the only one I could really talk to. She was my BEST friend. I cant get her back. I need her so much.

TO Natalie: You were the greatest friend. Beautiful, funny, outgoing, smart, and the life of the party. I just wanna see your face, hear your laugh. I am so mad and sad that you are gone. But I am soo blessed to have known you as long as I did. We always say that 'we lost a friend, but heaven gained in angel' and you know what? you are the best damn agel heaven has ever seen. I can only hope that you have hot guys (Just not Jason..he's mine :]), warm weather, and lotsa green :p!!!!!!!!!!!! I love you Pop star! Everyone does. We all miss you soo much. I think about you a lot..I hate that you planned it. you even requested those songs to be played at your funeral, they were. I havent listened to those songs since your funeral.

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