So the last few days, I have found myself struggling. First it was just over losing Jason. Then it turned into what my father did to me. I was watching my new favorite show Criminal Minds, and the one blonde girl looked soooo familiar to me. So I googled her. I remembered her from a movie, which I learned was Final Destination 2. So as I flipped through reading, I came across a show she had done in 2000, called Higher Ground.
Higher Ground, is a show about a High school for troubled teens. They basically live at this ranch. They do school work, chores and many many outdoor activities to help them deal with whatever happened to them. That is just the basics, there is more to it, but don't feel like typing it out.
Anyway, AJ Cook (the blonde from Criminal Minds) played a girl named Shelby. Shelby had been sexually abused by her Step-father for years. At age 13 she started running away. Finally the last time she ran away, she stayed gone for 6 months. She lived on the streets and started prostituting. Her mom finally tracked her down and she was sent to Mt. Horizon ( The alternative school).
I have watched a couple of the episodes, I am not going to watch anymore because this week I am going to order the DVDs. In the few episodes I have watched, I noticed soooo many things Shelby and I had in common. She was so broken that she built a tough as nails shell around her. She pretended like she didn't care.
In one episode a little 6 year old went missing. Guess who found her hanging on to some rocks for dear life? Shelby. She climbed up the rock wall that the girl had fallen down and rescued her. One of her classmates watched her. When she reached the bottom, the little girl hugged her. Shelby told her to not over do it. Then she pushed the little girl in her classmate's arms and said. "Tell them you found her."
I have a hard time feeling love or sadness for someone. Most of the time I have to fake it. It sucks, but it is what I have to do. Watching Shelby's personality made me see that maybe it is easier to just have a hard shell around me. You know, a I dont care attitude. I have it and it comes out, but I don't have it 24/7 or as bad as Shelby. But it is there.
I saw this part of another episode the other day(video at bottom) and it has been on my mind literally every minute since then. She let out all the anger and emotions that she had been keeping in for years. She trashed the camp out they were having. I get that way. I just boil over with soo much emotion, that I just want to go on a rampage. I haven't yet, but I know I will. I just don't know when
I am just so angry at him. At what he has turned me into and what he took from me. I am the real life version of Shelby. You don't understand and I am not even going to try. You don't know how I feel every second of everyday. You don't know, who I was before. Hell I don't remember who I was before. I am so selfish. I have a shitty sense of feeling. I just "feel" what I think you want me to.
There is more I want to say, but nothing that would make a difference and change anything
