Natalie's 21st Birthday

Yesterday, August 20th, was a pretty rough day for me. Gosh I havent even finished my first sentence and I am already tearing up. Natalie would have been 21 yesterday. I know suicide is never the answer. Natalie couldn't see how much she was loved. I am mad at myself that I obviously didn't do a good enough job telling her how much I loved her, how great of a friend she was and that I needed her. It really really hurts that she is not here. She was never afraid to speak her mind, or just say what ever she felt like saying and not give a shit. and she could smoke like no other LMAO!!!!!! neaverly every day we would get blazed before school. Every time we got blazed...when we got to school..we would run around and look for Carolyn...and she was always in the same spot!!...but each and every time..we would ask everyone "Where is Carolyn?". We were so funny too. When we saw her we would run up to Carolyn give her a big hug and then just stared at her. The looks we would give her always told her that we were up to no good. and I swear the conversation NEVER changed....

Carolyn: You two are baked arent you?

Natalie and I would nod with hug smiles

Carolyn would say to Natalie: Where is Melissa?

Natalie would get a puzzled look on her face: I dont know (even though I was RIGHT next to her)

Melissa: I am right here...dude you are sooo fucked up

Natalie laughed this deep belly laugh, then would look right and Natalie would say: CAROLYN, We have been looking everywhere for you!!!

Then Natalie would grab me by my hand and we would race to the cafeteria to get food before class...loser had to buy...it was hard becuase we both were in track and cross country

LOL.....I dont think that conversation ever changed...I miss that convo :[....I thought of the last time we did that a lot yesterday. She made me laugh SO hard that day

It was our morning routine. After she died and after I was out of the hospital.. I caught myself waiting for her by the front doors many times. Only to remember she wasnt going to show up. The first couple times Carolyn would come up to me and give me a hug. I laughed it off and said "duh" Then walk away without saying anything else. Carolyn and I had many indepth talks in the girls bathroom. She missed us looking for her, and having a billion people tell her that we were trying to find her. I miss her too.

I just dont understand. Friday she was happy, laughing, high and just having a great day. Why? Saturday, she...just...

Why didnt she call me sooner?

WHy didnt she call Carolyn?

Why didnt I call her that morning?

Why??????????

God, this is so hard. There is so much I want to say but don't know where to start. there is so much I want to tell her. She was the only one I could really talk to. She was my BEST friend. I cant get her back. I need her so much.

TO Natalie: You were the greatest friend. Beautiful, funny, outgoing, smart, and the life of the party. I just wanna see your face, hear your laugh. I am so mad and sad that you are gone. But I am soo blessed to have known you as long as I did. We always say that 'we lost a friend, but heaven gained in angel' and you know what? you are the best damn agel heaven has ever seen. I can only hope that you have hot guys (Just not Jason..he's mine :]), warm weather, and lotsa green :p!!!!!!!!!!!! I love you Pop star! Everyone does. We all miss you soo much. I think about you a lot..I hate that you planned it. you even requested those songs to be played at your funeral, they were. I havent listened to those songs since your funeral.

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